Tom Segura : (4)

" I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and I go, ‘Oooohhh.’ It’s better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you’re like, ‘Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.’ " - Tom Segura

" I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more. " - Tom Segura

" People will say, ‘What’s your favorite part of Cincinnati?’ I’m like, ‘I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn’t go anywhere. I was a kid.’ " - Tom Segura

" I don’t want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they’re fatter than me. " - Tom Segura