Steven Wright : (14)

" I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me. " - Steven Wright

" I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot. " - Steven Wright

" Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. " - Steven Wright

" When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’ " - Steven Wright

" It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet. " - Steven Wright

" I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. " - Steven Wright

" All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand. " - Steven Wright

" Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? " - Steven Wright

" I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house. " - Steven Wright

" My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about. " - Steven Wright